Helen’s Grill

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4102 Main Street, Vancouver, BC V5V 3P7

12/09/18

3.5/5 stars

*Cue Nelly - Grillz feat. Paul Wall* "Yeah the whole top diamond and the bottom rose gold." Helen's Grill gives me the undeniable urge to chain smoke a proper, unfiltered, pack of darts, In one sitting. Bringing back memories of a time when people wouldn't smoke indoors because they wanted to, people would smoke indoors because they had to. A time when my grandfather didn't want to miss a second of the game, so he tossed me his Cadillac keys and made me bring the carton of Du Maurier from his trunk inside. Tabletop Wurlitzers are another retro touch giving anyone with a quarter the reigns to curate the patina of Helen's. Donna Summers started a dance party and the table to my North busted off the "I Will Survive" jail routine from The Replacements mid tzatziki dip. And although they've had a help wanted sign in the window for at least a year, when a girl came in to apply she was told they aren't hiring by the waitress. A moment David Attenborough's voice could only describe as "an act of female dominance". Maybe this was because she was significantly more attractive, maybe because she was unqualified. Whatever the reason if you are reading this lady in red lipstick, I'm going 1996 Steven Seagal like the entire Eastern Seaboard is on the line and making an executive decision, you're hired. Another executive decision made that night was a full calamari dinner which had me motionless by the time I could see the plate. Order breakfast at 7pm if you want, they're not going to say anything other how do you like your eggs. The sandwich lord in the back will put anything between two pieces of bread, like parking a Bronco in a Whole Foods parking lot.

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